What strategies do you use to increase comfort in your daily life?
Comfort is a word that encompasses a lot of meanings. One can undertake a myriad of steps to increase comfort in one’s life, from choosing a career that aligns with one’s values, to spending money wisely on things that truly add to one’s life, to managing one’s daily emotional responses well to attain mental comfort. In this post, I take it to mean a relief from everday or long-term emotional distress. The strategies I list below are therefore steps that I learnt help me feel more at ease, providing both comfort in the moment, and long-term peace
1. Letting go of “should”
“They should not behave this way”, “he should be more accommodating”, “the situation should not be so difficult”, “I should have been further in my career by now”, “I should not be this sleepy after such a long nap”, ” you should have kept your promise”.
In most cases, the word “should” denotes a futile battle with reality, an inability to see and accept circumstances for what they are, wishful thinking about what one perceives to be ideal. A “should” statement is often a usually a complaint that things are not ideal the way they are, almost inevitably leading to a desire or a demand that they be different. In other words, thinking in terms of “should” seldom leads anywhere, because it so often deals with things outside our control. When our “shoulds” are unable to change people and circumstances, we feel angered, frustrated, sad, and other uncomfortable emotions. I have found that letting go of “shoulds” allows one to see and accept reality for what it is, and then take the steps within one’s control to change them for the better.
2. Embracing processes over results
When one ties ourselves to end goals, one often ends up impatiently rushing after them, chasing the momentary high of getting final results, and then moving on to the next goal quickly. This means that one only allows oneself comfort or happiness when one has achieved a goal or result, ticking off another box in one’s list. The process is neither enjoyable nor comfortable, because one’s vision only sees the far-off goal. For example, we may tell ourselves that we will sit comfortably once the kitchen has been cleaned, and then rush impatiently with the cleaning process, all the while waiting for it to be finished in order to be happy. Instead, when one allows processes to take their time and enjoys them while performing them (for example, sings along and enjoys the cleaning process), one increases comfort, peace, and happiness throughout one’s life.
3. Embracing good enough, letting go of perfectionism
This strategy is closely connected to the first two. In fact, perfectionism is, by definition, a strong, obsessive “should” for a narrow, specific outcome (goal). Imaginably, living with perfectionism is highly uncomfortable, since by default, one never allows oneself comfort or ease of mind until an (often) unachievable ideal is reached. Further, perfectionism can keep us stuck by encouraging procrastination and distraction behaviours. Instead, when one embraces the approach of accepting and celebrating doing things “well enough” instead of perfectly, one gifts oneself emotional comfort, peace, and enhanced productivity.
4. Accepting “I don’t know (yet)” as a valid answer
It is not up for debate that no one has answers to every question in the world. Sometimes, we also cannot have answers to all the questions that relate to our lives. It often needs time, reflection, more exposure, more work, more rest, and so on, before one can pick the right career, friendships, hobbies, and take all kinds of big and small decisions. One of the major ways we cause ourselves discomfort is by demanding answers to everything at a time, expecting ourselves (or others) to have everything figured out, or to be able to churn out an answer within a given deadline. Often, “I’m still figuring it out”, or “I don’t know”, or “I don’t have the expertise/experience/qualification to answer” are equally valid answers. Accepting this fact can greatly enhance one’s mental clarity and comfort.
5. Slowing down and staying present
The above points all carry a message about rushing (for answers, goals, outcomes) causing discomfort. Over the last year, I have realized that my impatience and rushing through life have been the biggest factors holding me back from mental peace. Whether it is at work, doing household chores, or my own enjoyable hobbies, I was always rushing through one thing and waiting to move on to the next. Needless to say, it robbed me of comfort. When one slows down, notices sensations, and experiences the present moment as it is, one makes space for comfort, peace, and tranquility. Further, when one resists urges to escape emotional pain or boredom through distraction, one achieves the opposite goal, creating more discomfort in the long term.
6. Holding space for emotions, self-compassion
Resisting and repressing emotions through deliberate or subconscious distraction causes immense discomfort in the long term, and leads to a build-up of unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms. In contrast, allowing oneself to feel emotions as they come, and process them at one’s own pace may feel difficult in the moment, but is essential to achieve long-lasting emotional comfort. Self-compassion is a tool that has brought a great deal of comfort to my mind, by teaching me to compassionately witness myself go through difficult emotions and provide myself the space, time and encouragement to process them in a healthy way. Perhaps one of the biggest psychological comforts is to replace the self-critical voice in our heads with a self-compassionate guiding voice.